Wow. Where to begin? I guess by saying that this week marked one whole year since my daughter was born. A year of motherhood. Crazy, exhausting, heartwarming, life-changing, liberating motherhood. And that feels like quite a big milestone to talk about.
Unexpectedly, the run-up to Indi’s First Birthday made me feel quite emotional. I think the actual act of giving birth is something that stays with you in a way that is difficult to understand before you go through it. They say it takes two years to physically recover from childbirth but I have a feeling that applies to your mental and emotional recovery too. I don’t feel raw and vulnerable as I did a year ago, but I’m definitely still affected by it. If I see a birth scene in a film, it feels hard to watch, y’know? (Read more: The Birth Story)
I also feel emotional about my girl turning one. She’s not a baby anymore, in fact I think she’s now considered a toddler! And it’s weird because contrary to what most people say, I wouldn’t say the time went that fast. In fact the first couple of months felt very slow. Trying to just get through the day was a challenge in the early days and it felt like the weeks were ticking by incredibly slowly.
I’ve written a lot about the newborn days. It’s a strange bubble that in retrospect feels like it should be this dreamy time when babies just eat and sleep and life should be relatively easy for the mum. But in reality, it’s this insane culture shock, where you don’t know what you’re doing, what day it is, or when you last showered. I remember in those first couple of months my only goal used to be for me and Indi to both be dressed by midday. I mean, lol.
Maternity leave in general was weird. I know people in real life, as well as people on Instagram, that were on maternity leave at the same time as me, and it was clear that everyone does it a little differently. I guess depending on your baby and your wellbeing. But for me, it was a blur of lazy mornings, long walks with the pram, daytime trips to Tesco, a baby class once a week, Netflix afternoons, surviving witching hour, then collapsing in a heap when daddy got home. I mean, that sounds pretty good written down. But when you add in the continuous feeds, poop explosions in Costa, inconsolable crying, trying to get her to nap, absolutely zero me-time, then stressing that I wasn’t giving her enough mental stimulation, it was actually pretty tough.
I had to remind myself that ‘comparison is the thief of joy’ whenever I saw mums on Instagram in full make-up, taking their newborn babies to the salon. Or getting all of their to do list done whilst their baby had a three hour nap (Indi never napped more than half an hour which was just enough for a shower and a quick clear up).
Now that I’m out of the baby fog, I can see clearly that I was also suffering with post-natal anxiety. I’m an overthinker and susceptible to anxiety in general so it makes sense that I would experience it, but I think at the time I thought that was just what being a new mum was like. Because it is overwhelming and stressful for everyone. But looking back I think I was next level. I worried about everything, manically logged every feed and nap, I didn’t like leaving the house at all, and when I did I would grip the pram so tightly just in case. If someone would walk towards me I would feel terrified that they were going to snatch my baby and I was permanently on edge. It was irrational and exhausting and honestly I wish I had gone to the doctors about it.
To be honest I didn’t really feel myself until I went back to work. It feels mean to say because I love my daughter and enjoy spending time with her. But work gave me a bit of my identity back. It also gave me a break! Being a mum 24 hours a day is so tiring, so having the time in the day to enjoy a cup of tea, pop to the shops on my lunch or run an errand has drastically made a difference to my mental health.
A year in and I feel more like a mum now too. Initially motherhood feels like a label that you haven’t earned. You associate mums with those all-knowing, powerful women with handbags full of things you need, and it’s taken me a while to feel like the label belongs to me. But yes I’m a mum and I have all of the multi-taking powers that come with it.
I’ve also learned to chill the fuck out. My anxiety along with my need to read all the books before giving birth made things feel so difficult at first. Because things didn’t happen like they said in the books. Babies don’t come with a manual, they have their own quirks and challenges and you just have to figure them out. So that’s what my parenting style is like now. I still like to know the facts but I take advice with a pinch of salt and remember that I know my child best.
So far in my parenting journey, I’ve noticed that things get gradually easier in one respect, but gradually more difficult in another. Like, people with younger babies that say they’re envious that Indi goes to bed at 7pm then sleeps through the night (although not always!). Sure it’s great once you get your routine sorted and you start getting more sleep. But now she’s on the go all day! She doesn’t sit still, the entire house had to be baby proofed and she’s always falling over or bumping her head. It’s a bloody nightmare.
She’s also started eating random stuff. She reached up and pulled a bit of leaf off of an aloe vera plant the other day and ate it. Over Christmas she was playing with the Quality Street box when I noticed she’d bitten a bit off of a toffee finger. Like the plastic, foil and chocolate, everything! It’s a lot to keep up with her.
But I’m trying to learn to sit back and feel grateful for how far we’ve come. Sure this motherhood thing comes with its challenges, and there’s always something new to worry about. But I think about when I first went back to work and Indi was waking up 4 or 5 times a night… I’m so happy she sleeps pretty well now. She used to require a lot of bulk cooking when she was weaning onto solid food and I would dread having to feed her in public… Now I’m grateful that she eats most things and can have a Nandinos as a little treat.
Most of all I’m grateful that my lovely baby is growing into a gorgeous little girl. I’ll be honest, this is the part I was most looking forward to. I’ve never really been a baby-person, but I love kids. I like arts and crafts and playing silly games and dressing up and building sofa forts. So I’m very excited for the next few years. Although I have experienced my first couple of tantrums and yeah, they’re not fun. Like I said, some things get easier and some things get harder. But it’s all part of the parenting adventure, huh?
But I’m giving myself a pat on the back today for a job well done. I survived my first year of motherhood; mentally, financially and emotionally. My little one year old girl is a dream. She’s happy and healthy and always makes us laugh. She’s always dancing and clapping and pointing and giggling. She makes it all worth it.
Here’s to many more ups and downs on this motherhood rollercoaster.
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