9 Things No-One Tells You About Child Birth

I gave birth just over a year ago but I think it’s taken me until now to really process it all. (My birth story is over here, lads.) And I think that’s a lot to do with it all being so bloody shocking. I didn’t feel as prepared as I thought I was and actually a lot of the grim stuff no-one tells you about. Until after. Afterwards all your mum friends are like, “Yeah it’s shit isn’t it? I didn’t want to tell you when you were pregnant”.

Oh. That’s how it is. So I just went into this thing with my LED candles and hypnobirthing tracks like a chump?

Well my friend, I’m here to tell you the real deal, mucus plug and all. The things I was not ready for. The things NCT didn’t teach me.

Disclaimer: This is gonna be gross. And if you’re pregnant reading this, don’t freak out ok? We all make it through with lovely babies and a lot of people go back for more. Remember that.

What They Don’t Tell You About Child Birth

You don’t have to be a hero.

There’s this modern view of childbirth that is presented to pregnant women and the main theme is that drugs are bad. YOU DON’T WANT TO DRUG YOUR BABY, YOU TERRIBLE MOTHER. Just get through it with breathing. A bit of gas and air if you really need it. But that’s it.

At my NCT classes they claimed to be “just giving you the facts” but it was clear that natural was best. “Some women don’t even experience pain, just pressure”. Lol ok hun. I’ll take your word for it.

But the thing is, it is painful. More than painful, it’s the worst. However, at the end of it all you will have a baby. It doesn’t matter how you birthed that baby – natural, epidural, c-section, forceps. You are still a mum, you still brought your baby into this world safely and no one way is better than the other. So just do it your way, with whatever pain relief you need.

Let me put it this way. If you broke your leg, would you want to take medicine to ease the pain? Of course you fucking would.

Birth plans don’t mean shit.

The idea of a birth plan is laughable, because there is no way to plan your birth. You don’t know when it will be and sometimes there are unforeseen complications.

But I did as my midwife said and completed the birth plan you can download from the NHS website and make your choices on.

It was not useful.

You’re given any labour room that’s available at the hospital, which may not have what you want – like a pool or a birth ball, etc. And you don’t know what pain relief you will want until you experience it.

Also, the things you should be able to control – like when you want the umbilical cord cut or whether you want student midwives there – don’t really get considered. You see, I went through 3 midwves as the shifts changed and by the time I gave birth, the plan was not considered. And that’s fine, the most importnat thing is that your baby is delivered safe and well. But I just think the act of writing your birth plan is a little pointless.

“The Show” is fucking gross.

I have PTSD about a few points in my birth and “The Show” is one of them. This is a nice way of saying the mucus plug, or the plug to your womb that comes away during or at the start of labour.

Now, I don’t know if mine was particularly bad because I’ve looked at the photos on Baby Centre that look like light discharge. And mine was a lot bigger and more horrific.

I’m not sure how this would help anyone in any way other than to be prepared that it can be really disgusting.

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Everything you learned at NCT is useless.

I mean, I’ve kind of already said this. But in retrospect NCT was a joke in a lot of ways. There’s the ‘natural is best’ view that I think can make parents feel guilty if they don’t want to go down this route. But there’s also a lot of information that goes straight out of the window when you’re actually giving birth. We did 6 hours of learning about labour and I don’t think any of it was that relevant. I learned more from pregnancy books.

There were two things I took away from NCT. One was the knowledge that there can be a lot of people in the room and you shouldn’t panic. The emergency button was pushed during my labour and I remember thinking, it’s ok, this happens sometimes.

The other is my NCT friends. I mean, you’re essentially paying for friends with babies the same age as yours when you take NCT classes. But I think it was worth it because they’re pretty cool and it’s nice to have someone to text in the wee hours or vent to about teething.

You don’t bloody need snacks.

This is different for everyone but I spent way too long worrying about which slow-energy-release snacks I should pack in my hospital bag. I was very sick throughout the labour process and couldn’t keep anything down. If I ever have another kid I’ll just send Josh to Costa if I need a snack.

There’s a lot of blood.

I told you this would be gory, lads. But yes, there’s a lot of blood. Like a lot. You don’t see that in films do you?

I actually lost over a litre of blood during childbirth and I just wasn’t expecting it. My midwife had to throw my nightie away because it was drenched so I’m glad I didn’t bring any clothes I actually liked. I’m just warning you here.

The birth partner can’t really avoid seeing EVERYTHING.

There’s always the conversation you have with your partner before you give birth – “You’re going to stay at my head, right?”. I know I did. I didn’t want Josh seeing everything. I didn’t want him to be scarred for life.

But it turns out, I’m not that long of a person, and even standing near my head meant you could still see the full glory and horror that is birthing a child into this world. Poor Josh. He is scarred. He told me in brutal detail what he saw and the words “purple” and “throbbing” came up. Maybe just prep your partner that childbirth isn’t for the faint-hearted.

You’re on your own once the baby is here.

Midwives have such an incredible, important job. But their job is to help you through labour and deliver your child safely. Then they move onto the next labouring mama that needs them.

I think before my birth experience I expected more help after my baby arrived. I said that I wanted to breastfeed my kid but no-one actually shows you what to do (read my Bottle-Feeding Journey post). Or when the midwife says, “Right, get a nappy and clothes on your baby”, and you realise you have no idea how to do either of those things.

It’s totally fine, they’ve already done the best thing ever for you. But I would just go in with the knowledge that you need to know how to do these things from the get-go!

The post-natal ward is hell on earth.

I’m convinced that if there is a hell, mine will be Post-Natal Ward 9 of MKUH.

It’s sweltering hot, the lights are on all night, people come round each hour for observations, pain meds, to check feeding, etc. So there is no sleep. You’re in a room of new parents who are completely overwhelmed and also hideously sleep deprived, so the vibe is awful. Babies are crying, mums are crying, dads are crying. Men are sleeping on chairs and on the floor. Staff are overrun so if you press the button it takes a while for them to get to you.

My advice is to get out of there as soon as you can. Contrary to how it may feel, it’s your choice when you go home. Ask to be discharged as soon as possible (it take hours to get discharged), no matter the time of day. My friend got discharged at 1am, so be aware that you can leave when you want. Although it’s scary taking this tiny human home and having to navigate the world of parenthood on your own, I just think it’s way better to be in your own environment and take things at your own pace.

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Was your experience like this? Is there anything else you were surprised about during the whole childbirth extravaganza?

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