6 Things You Shouldn’t Say To Someone Who’s Just Had A Baby.

When you have a baby, your entire world turns upside down. It doesn’t matter if you planned your pregnancy or whether you’re used to being around babies, nothing can prepare you for how you feel post-childbirth. It’s hard to put into words but its A LOT to deal with. You’re emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted. And so something little that someone says can REALLY piss you off.

So I thought I would do my duty and give you a heads up about the things that you honestly shouldn’t say to your friend who’s just had a baby. Trust me on this, just don’t do it.

6 Things You Shouldn’t Say To Someone Who’s Just Had A Baby.

1) I’m so tired.

Never tell a new mum you’re tired. I don’t care how tired you are. I don’t care if you were out late last night or the bin-men woke you up early or you were tossing and turning all night. You will never be as tired as a new parent.

Let me just explain a little. If you’ve had a bad night, you have every right to feel tired. I’m not taking that away from you. But it was just one night. Maybe two or three at worst. When you’re a new parent, it’s every night. You can’t even remember what real sleep is like. Sometimes even when your baby sleeps you’re still on high alert so don’t ever really relax. It’s just next level, ok?

My daughter is 9 months old and I’m still up every night. I’m not quite as sensitive about it anymore, but during those first few months, anyone saying they were tired would completely infuriate me.

2) Are you feeding her yourself?

I have a few layers to this one.

First of it, it’s a fucking stupid question. Of course I’m feeding her myself. Whether I’m breastfeeding or bottle feeding, it’s still me feeding her.

Secondly, before you have children I don’t think you can quite understand how delicate this area is. The breast vs. bottle thing can be a super sensitive area for a lot of new mums. It was for me, and still is to some extent. Breastfeeding never worked for us and I feel guilty and a little embarrassed when someone assumes I’m breastfeeding and I have to correct them that my baby is formula-fed. (Read about my bottle-feeding journey over here.)

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that by asking the question you’re being judgy. But it can just be a sore subject. The mum will tell you about her feeding struggles if she wants to. If not, just don’t ask.

3) It’s all worth it in the end though isn’t it.

This is a weird one and it’s something that most people say to you after asking about your birth story. Or if you’ve just told them you were up every 45 mins last night. Or that you had to deal with the biggest poonami you’ve ever experienced with just 3 wet wipes left in your changing bag.

The thing is, sometimes you just need to moan to your friends. It’s a fact of life. And when they say “Oh but it’s all worth it in the end” it kind of makes you feel guilty for moaning and like they weren’t even listening to you.

Also – and I’m not really supposed to say this – at the beginning of parenthood, it doesn’t always feel worth it. Don’t get me wrong, my daughter is the best thing ever and I wouldn’t change a thing. But in the early days you’re so tired and all you’re doing is trying to keep this tiny creature alive, with no smiles back from them, no playtime. It’s all of the bad bits without any of the good bits yet, and I’m just going to say it, it kind of sucks.

So if you asked me today, was the 9 months of pregnancy pains, 20 hours of horrific labour, the episiotomy scar, the recovery, the sleep deprivation, the poonamis – were they all worth it? ABSOLUTELY. It is true what they say, it is 100% worth it in the end. But in those first few weeks? It doesn’t feel like it at all. And those cheerful “It’s all worth it in the end though!” responses make you feel very alone and also like a terrible mother for not feeling the way you’re ~supposed~ to feel.

4) What are you doing with all of your time off?

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, MATERNITY LEAVE IS NOT A HOLIDAY.

Looking after a baby takes up all of your time and energy. There is barely enough time to do basic things like showering and brushing your teeth, and then there are chores like food shopping and washing that you have to keep up with.

Josh and I both had time off with our baby and we both agree, being at work is a LOT easier than being on parental leave. No question about it.

I know you mean well and just want to know what your pal has been up to. But I can answer the question for her – she’s been resting, recovering, learning the ropes of motherhood and just surviving.

5) Can I come round and meet the baby now?

Of course you want to meet the brand new person in your friend’s life. The person she MADE. Of course you want to have a cuddle with the scrunchy little baby and make sure your friend is ok. But don’t put too much pressure on coming round to visit.

I think it’s a good idea to let your friend know that you would love to visit whenever she’s ready, but don’t ask when. It’s makes a new mum feel like she needs to recover quicker to accommodate guests asap.

Oh and word to the wise, if you can, bring food. The best thing you can give a new parent is homemade food so they don’t have to worry about cooking. Cake is also good.

6) (In response to “I feel fat”): Well you’ve just had a baby!

OK SO I AM FAT THEN?!

A lot of new mums feel self-conscious about their new post-baby bodies. It doesn’t matter if they had a baby 3 days ago, they need reassurance that they look half-decent. So just tell them they look great.

Your pal’s body just did the most amazing thing, and let’s face it, she’s going to be a lot lighter than the last time you saw her pre-baby. SO JUST TELL HER SHE LOOKS GREAT, OKAY?!

Ok lads, that’s enough ranting for one day. I think in conclusion I can sum it all up by just saying – be considerate about how it might feel for your new mum friend. Just follow her lead. And don’t EVER say you’re tired.

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