My Bottle-Feeding Journey

I’ve read several ‘breastfeeding journey’ blog posts from mum bloggers, but absolutely ZERO about bottle-feeding.

I think this might be for several reasons.

Firstly, breastfeeding is hard and a lot of people who want to breastfeed or are struggling with breastfeeding want the inside scoop from mums that are managing to make it work. I get ya. It’s a weird world where it’s hard to get the information you need.

There’s also the whole ‘free the nipple’ and normalise breastfeeding movement, which I completely agree with. So the more people write about it, the more ‘normal’ it becomes in society. Good for you, gals.

But there’s another reason there aren’t any “bottle-feeding journey” blog posts on the internet. A lot of us feel a bit, dare-I-say-it, ashamed that we’re not breastfeeding.

Not everyone. A lot of people wave their bottle-feeding flag with pride. A lot of new mums simply chose the bottle-feeding life as it suits their lifestyle better. But it’s this weird world where even though most of us bottle-feeding mums are totally ok with our choice, happy with the way we’ve chosen to feed our babies, we don’t advertise it. Because we don’t want the dreaded JUDGEMENT.

So here I am, letting the whole world in on how I couldn’t breastfeed, why I chose to “give up” and feed my little girl formula and why I’m totally happy with that choice. It’s a super personal area and something every mum in the world seems to have an opinion on. But hopefully it might make another bottle-feeding mama out there feel a little better about their choice, and dare I say it, PROUD to be on Team Formula.

My Bottle-Feeding Journey

My thoughts going into motherhood.

When I was pregnant, I was asked quite frequently about how I was going to feed my baby. Midwives asked at most appointments, it was discussed at length at antenatal classes, friends and family asked me, even strangers would ask. It’s very weird. You soon realise this is an area that a lot of people have opinions about.

But my answer would always be the same – “I’m going to try to breastfeed but I’m not putting any pressure on myself. It’s not the end of the world if we have to give her a bottle.”

I think you’ll agree that’s a good mindset to have. It sounds quite open-minded and mature, right? But here’s the thing. The more you get asked this, the more you hear about breastfeeding, the way midwives talk about it, what you read on the baby apps… your perspective changes. On the outside I was telling everyone there was no pressure, but really, there was a lot.

I bought the nursing bras and the cover-ups and the heated breast pads. I was ready to breastfeed my baby.

The post-birth struggle.

Oh hey guess what? It turns out it’s not always that easy. As with most aspects of having a baby, nothing is ever how you imagine it to be.

For some reason I expected there to be more guidance when I had my baby. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so grateful to the NHS for delivering my child safely, but I felt like we were just left to it. And I had no idea what I was doing.

A lovely midwife shoved my boob into my baby’s mouth and hoped for the best but nothing was happening. We tried for a while and then she just told me to keep trying. This basically happened every few hours. A new midwife/nurse/breastfeeding counsillor would come to visit me in the ward, show me different breastfeeding positions and tell me I was doing everything right, “you just have to keep trying“.

I had imagined I would be out of the hospital a few hours after having my baby, the next day at the latest. But I was kept in for 3 days on the “non-feeder programme” as breastfeeding just wasn’t working. During this time, I did not sleep. Every hour I had to do skin-to-skin, hand express colostrum (the very painful and degrading act of milking yourself), and try to breastfeed. Constantly. My daughter, Indiana, was crying to be fed and I just couldn’t feed her.

It got to the point where I was so sleep deprived and exhausted that I just sat and cried and asked to go home. The midwife I spoke to told me in hushed tones, eyes darting around to make sure she wasn’t being overheard, “you can just give her a bottle if you want”.

I didn’t realise until she said it that I really needed to hear that. I gave Indiana a bottle and she gulped it down straight away. I can’t even explain how relieved I was in that moment.

The team that discharged me told me to keep offering the breast at home, and give her the bottle if it wasn’t happening. And I did do that to a degree. But the couple of times it did work at home, it was excrutiatingly painful. Toe-curling. Enough to consider just giving up on the idea.

“Giving up” on breastfeeding.

Yes, breastfeeding was painful and hard to come by. But even when Indi was talking milk from me, it only lasted 2 minutes maximum. There was no chance I would be able to exclusively breastfeed at this point.

But more than that, I realised I didn’t want to.

After experiencing the bottle-fed life, the ease of feeding her, the ability to hand the feeding duties over to Josh, the joy of knowing my body didn’t have to perform at will, I was completely over the idea of breastfeeding after a week. My body had just carried a baby for 9 months and pushed it out during a 20 hour labour. I was still recovering from birth and from a rather large episiotomy. My body was done.

I knew I wanted to exclusively bottle-feed at this point. But Josh was also at all of our antenatal classes and was still Team Breastfeeding. He wanted me to keep going if it was the best thing for our daughter. So it was hard to let him down. To say sorry, but I just can’t do it. Of course he totally understood, but it did make it feel like I was “giving up” on something I should be doing, rather than just choosing a different method, you know?

Was bottle-feeding the right decision?

I think this is what I was worried about – the fact that I might regret my decision in the future. That I might look back and wish that I had tried harder. That I had gone to the breastfeeding cafes and spoke to the independant breastfeeding advisors like a lot of my NCT friends did.

But you know what? I literally have no regrets.

I tried it, it didn’t work for us. I didn’t want to wait longer before I gave her a bottle and have her crying, hungry to be fed when I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to suffer the pain of breastfeeding after going through what my body went through. And honestly, I really think that if I had continued trying to combi-feed that my mental health would have suffered. There’s something so primal about not being able to feed your baby, you feel so let down that your body has failed you.

But I wouldn’t have it any other way now. Sure, travel would be a lot easier if I was breastfeeding. Let’s face it, there would be a lot less to pack. On the upside, Josh and I were able to have a date night a few weeks after having Indi. I didn’t have to worry about pumping, it was easy for someone else to look after her. Josh was able to help with the feeding and give me a break. He easily took over the responsibilities when he took parental leave and I went back to work.

Things feel a lot more equal than I think they would have felt if I was solely responsible for feeding our daughter.

But isn’t breastfeeding better?

Here’s the main appeal of breastfeeding, it’s better for your baby. And don’t you want to give your baby the best? Surely if you’re a good mother, you want to breastfeed your child to give them the very best start in life?

This is what goes round your head when you’re considering bottle-feeding.

I’ve done a lot of research on it (although obviously I’m not a health professional) and here’s the thing – breastfeeding is the best option medically. It provides your baby with nutrients specifically designed for your individual baby. No product can beat that. But it’s not miles better than formula.

Midwives and other mums can make you feel like formula is really bad for your baby and they’re going to miss out on key nutritional elements that they need. That you’re doing them a disservice by bottle-feeding. But what I’ve realised is that formula is absolutely fine. It gives your baby everything they need. You can’t tell the difference between a breastfed and formula-fed baby after all. You just have to make the choice that’s best for your family.

I believe that a happy mum makes a happy baby, so if bottle-feeding makes you happier than breastfeeding, that’s the best thing you can do for your baby.

I read this Medium article when I was considering the move to bottle-feeding and it was the best thing I could have read. (Definitely read it if you’re considering switching to bottles and feel guilty about it.) It turns out the medical difference between breastfed babies and formula-fed babies is one bought of diarrhea in their first year. So y’know not really that bad.

Would I try breastfeeding again?

I’m not planning on having another baby anytime soon but if I was to fall pregnant again, I’m not entirely sure whether I would even attempt breastfeeding again.

Maybe I would consider trying to breastfeed for the first few days to give them the colostrum. But even if it worked the second time around, I just think bottle-feeding is the right choice for my family and for my mental health. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.

Whether it was because you couldn’t breastfeed or you made the choice to bottle-feed your baby, you should never be made to feel guilty about it. Fed is best after all.

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* Photos in this post taken at Rushmere Country Park, featuring the Bugaboo Bee5 pram and accessories kindly gifted. All thoughts and opinions my own. I wouldn’t play you like that, shorty.