Turning Thirty: The Meltdown

Thirty. Me. Next week. But you probs already know that seeing as I’ve mentioned it in every blog post for the last 6 months.

Well quite frankly, I’m not keeping my shit together right now.

I’m a very logical person so logically I’m like, I’m not going to change personalities next week. Turning thirty doesn’t mean I’m going to do anything differently or start acting a different way. It’s just a number.

It’s just a number… Isn’t that what old people say?

But anyway it’s still freaking me the fuck out.

And I think it’s because of that security blanket I’ve had throughout my twenties, that excuse I give myself whenever something isn’t going smoothly:

Everyone has debt in their twenties and no-one cares about their student loan.

I don’t need a mortgage, renting is fine in your twenties.

You’re allowed to spend your paycheck on Jagerbombs and Topshop shoes, you’re in your twenties after all.

Your twenties are for figuring out what you want to do, it’s OK to leave a job after 3 months.

It’s cool to travel in your twenties, you don’t have any ties.

Live abroad? Sure, you’re in your twenties, go nuts.

But when you turn thirty, I’m not sure you have any excuses any more.

Like yeah babes, maybe you should get your shit together and buy a house? Are you making additional contributions to your pension? Is your student loan paid off yet? Forget any kind of long-term travel, you’re a grown-up now. You can’t live abroad, you need to settle down. Oh and y’know you’re not getting any younger, you should probably pop out a few babies asap.

Ugh. Just writing this is giving me heart palpitations.

As I’ve said before in another post, I think maybe it’s a generational thing. Our parents were already fully fledged adults at thirty with marriage and babies and mortgages under their belts. They did this stuff in their mid-twenties most of the time.

But millennials have just longed everything out. University and lack of affordable housing has meant that for most of us adolescence lasted until we moved out of our parents’ houses at twenty-something. So thirty very much feels like the milestone of adulthood.

But y’know it’s ok because some of that grown-up stuff I’m very much here for.

I’m done with late nights in clubs and binge-drinking every weekend. If it’s not someone’s birthday, or Christmas, or Eurovision, or Halloween, I’m not up for it. I’d rather have a cup of tea and watch Stranger Things on Netflix.

I’m in a happy, stable, long-term relationship, so I’m ok with some of the concepts of “settling down”. Marriage and kids don’t seem that scary anymore tbh.

And I finally have some “nice” things in my house that aren’t from Gumtree or IKEA (although most of it really is).

So that’s good right? Thirty’s not all bad, yeah?

But like I said, the mental breakdown I’m currently experiencing is less about what being in your thirties means.

Because honestly I feel like part of me has always been in my thirties. Like I’ve been pretending to like going out, eating like a student and going on girls holidays for the last decade and I can finally do what I want and it be socially acceptable.

What I’m stressing about is what the end of my twenties means.

Is it still ok to be a blogger in your thirties?

Is it still ok to backpacking around Asia in your thirties?

Am I still allowed to stay in hostels and slum it at festivals?

Now I know the answer is FUCK YES, YOU DO YOU GIRL. But I still feel weird about it. Like for some reason I now need to step up to some stereotypical ideals of what a thirty-something woman should do.

Like I’m pretty sure a thirty-something woman shouldn’t post Instagram photos of them climbing trees in a Crash Bandicoot t-shirt… But that’s just who I am y’know?

Bloody societal pressures. I just need to remember all the kickass thirty-something women I follow on Instagram that travel the world and are digital nomads, right?

And as I alluded to, I’m stressed that my thirty-something finances aren’t exactly in check. I think that’s the main thing I’m worried about.

Y’know when your friends suddenly buy a house and it turns out they’ve been saving money for a deposit for the last 5 years when you’ve been spanking your income on flights to Australia. It’s like you’ve been betrayed. When did everyone decide to save money and why didn’t I know anything about it?

This is one of the reasons one of my 2018 New Year’s Resolutions is to save money. I don’t exactly know what for but I feel like grown-up stuff could pop up at any second and I really want to be ready for it.

Okay I’m ranting and I feel like this post has no structure at all. I’m probs repeating some stuff from my The Trouble With Being 29 post too. But I needed a rant and this is my therapy. What you gonna do.

I officially have FOUR days left of being in my twenties. And although all I want to do is mourn the loss of a decade of being carefree and having less expectations from society, I think the only way I can make it through is to focus on the great things about being in my thirties.

Yeah. I’m totally okay… OH GOD, NO I’M NOT, SEND HELP.

Let me know what you think in the comments below (I need some reassurance!!). Or tweet me at @HeelsInBackpack / find me over at Insta at @Heels.In.My.Backpack, y’all!